


On My Own

by Mrs_SimonTam_PHD



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Based on a Les Mis song, Les Mis inspired, M/M, They believe their love is unrequited, Unrequited Love, mentions of torture, or rather, serious angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2016-02-13
Packaged: 2018-05-20 06:49:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,123
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5995573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD/pseuds/Mrs_SimonTam_PHD
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Lucifer believe that their love for the other is unrequited. </p><p>Title and fic inspired by "On My Own" from Les Miserables.</p>
            </blockquote>





	On My Own

**Author's Note:**

> NEVER LET ME LISTEN TO LES MIS ON REPEAT OR IT ENDS UP IN EVERY FIC THAT I WRITE.

_Now I’m all alone again_

_Nowhere to turn_

_No one to go to_

_Without a hope_

_Without a friend_

_Without a face_

_To say hello to_

_Now the night is here_

_Now I can make believe he's here_

 

Lucifer leaned his head against the strong bars of his Cage. He’s worn out by another fight with his brother. He can feel his Grace start to heal the wounds that he has received, but it’s just the physical wounds.

It doesn’t heal the emotional and psychological wounds he continually receives, especially when Michael taunts him about losing Sam.

It’s not like he _wanted_ to lose Sam, lose his soul. Death took it from him like it was nothing. Lucifer had cried himself to sleep every night for a few years after that had happened.

 

 _Sometimes at night_ _  
_ _I walk alone while everyone else is sleeping_

_I think of him_

_And then I’m happy with the company I’m keeping_

_The city goes to bed_

_And I can live inside my head._

 

Sam walked the streets of Detroit. They had just finished off a vampire nest, and he couldn’t help but walk through the city. The last time he had, he wasn’t in control of his body. Lucifer was.

He closed his eyes and relaxed incredibly as he imagined Lucifer’s face.

He missed his other half, comforting each other in the Cage, standing up to Michael when his angel was too weak to do so, caring for him, curled up in his arms.

 

_On my own_

_Pretending he’s beside me_

_All alone_

_I walk with him ‘til morning_

_Without him,_

_I feel his arms around me_

_And when I lose my way_

_I close my eyes and he has found me_

 

Lucifer wrapped his damaged and bloodied wings around him, shielding him from Michael’s attacks, bringing his lover to his mind. He can feel his man’s arms around him, whispering in his ear, telling him that it was okay, Sam was going to take care of him.

He slunk off to his corner of the Cage, nursing his wounds and imagining that it was Sam’s hands running over the wounds, inspecting them, kissing them, whispering endearments into his skin.

 

_In the rain_

_The pavement shines like silver_

_All the lights_

_Are misty in the river_

_In the darkness_

_The trees are full of starlight_

_And all I can see_

_Is him and me forever and forever_

 

Sam sat down on an overpass overlooking the river, watching the lights shine down, somewhat fuzzy in the rain. He was drenched to the bone, but the fire of remembering Lucifer kept him warm. He looked up longingly at the stars, wondering if there were other ways to free his fallen angel. He missed him more than he can say.

 

_And I know it’s only in my mind_

_That I’m talking to myself_

_And not to him_

_And although I know that he is blind_

_Still I say, there’s a way for us_

 

“He never loved you, you know,” Michael shot out cruelly, Lucifer giving a growl. “Sam loves all those _good_ and _pure._ He’s more likely to be with Castiel or even his brother than be with you. Hell, even _Gabriel_ would be preferable to Sam. Except Sam has none of those options. Incest isn’t wanted, _you_ put Castiel in a mental institution, and Gabriel. . . oh, yes, you _killed_ him. You really think that he could love something like _you?_ ”

The words stung, and which each passing year, each passing decade, each time Michael said something to that effect, Lucifer believed it more and more.

 

_I love him, but when the night is over_

_He’s gone!_

_The river’s just a river_

_Without him, the world around me changes_

_The trees are bare and_

_Everywhere the streets are full of strangers_

 

Sam knew, deep down, that Lucifer didn’t love him. If he really did love him, why send the hallucinations? Why taunt him and tease him? Why tell him that he should kill himself.

And so every time Sam told himself a way Lucifer showed him that he _did_ love him, he forced himself to remember the torture that the fallen angel gave him, and told him that the loving deeds were manipulation.

 

_I love him, but everyday I’m learning_

_All my life, I’ve only been pretending!_

_Without me, his world will go on turning_

_A world that’s full of happiness_

_That I have never known!_

 

Lucifer rested his head on his knees, giving a quiet sob. He was completely and utterly broken, forever believing that Sam Winchester, his True Vessel, and the only other person he loved, didn’t love him. That he spent millennia wishing that his Vessel would love him and a few hundred years pretending that Sam loved him, cared about him, wanted him.

Who would want a broken Devil, anyways? Not someone as good and as pure as Sam Winchester.

 

Sam spent months trying to conjure his hallucinations, trying to get any form of his love back, but he couldn’t. He finally stopped after a djinn attempted to poison him and he realized that he would never _ever_ get Lucifer back, because he never had him to begin with. He was thankful that Dean and Cas were. . . God knows where and he was able to scream and cry his frustrations out, hot tears staining his cheeks as he began to accept the fact that his love would be forever unrequited.

Who would want the Boy King, the boy with the demon blood, Lucifer’s Vessel, when the Devil himself doesn’t want him?

 

_I love him_

_I love him._

_I love him._

_But only. . ._

_On My Own_

 

“I love him,” Lucifer whispered.

“I know you do,” Michael crooned to him from behind, his angel blade digging into his spine. Lucifer barely flinched. “But he never loved you.”

“I know,” Lucifer admitted.

 

“I love him,.” Sam was in confession. Maybe that would help him finish coming to terms with the fact that Lucifer never loved him. “I love him more than anything, Father, but. . . only on my own. He doesn’t love me. Is that a sin?”

He could hear the sadness in the priest’s voice as he replied, “It is not, my son. It is not a sin, nor is it a crime, to love someone who will never love you. What he did, making you believe he loved you, that’s a sin. Is that all for this confession, my son?”

“Yes, Father.”

“ _In nomine Patris, et Filis, et Spiritu Sancti,_ ” the priest said, Sam obediently crossing himself. “Ten Hail Mary’s and an Our Father, and you will be forgiven.”

“Thank you, Father.”

Sam did the prayers after leaving the confessional and went back to the hotel, feeling better.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr at lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell
> 
> Comments and Kudos are Shiny!!


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